This is how it started for me…
Line 23. In the middle of Banovo Brdo. The outside temperature is 43 degrees Celsius, while inside, it seems to me, double that figure. As a definite future mother-to-be, I am sitting on a seat that’d previously politely been given up to me, trying to breathe, wailing inside over my sad fate, my broken car, climate changes, geographic position, and at the same time wanting only one thing – air.
I’d want to scream, but it’s inappropriate.
Surrounded by many people, squeezed together, holding onto the bus handles. They would scream, too, one would infer based on their wrinkled and sweaty faces.Yet, they say nothing, as if there was a choice. From time to time, a person would step on another person’s foot, nick someone’s nose with their rucksack or vehemently start to break through the crowd in order to get to the exit. Then, all of a sudden, the spitting ensues as well as swearing, cursing, cheering, standing on the tips of their toes, laughing, eye-rolling, peeping out, cheesing, tongue-clicking, imprecations, muttering to oneself. It seems that it’s the common state of affairs here, it’s always like that, even when it’s not hot.
At one point, I completely disconnect, the movie stops and a new one begins. Not prompted by anything. I see myself as a newborn baby, on a soft, warm, sweet mother’s breast. It is cosy, tucked in, safe, heavenly…I am greedily sucking, not missing anything. I am feeling the entire wordly bliss. A drop of mother’s milk is slowly forming between the lower lip and the breast. It is becoming too big and starts to fall down. It’s going down the chin, ever so slowly. I can feel it with my entire being. Now it is on the neck. Reverberating something I’ve never felt before. Nothing that I could remember, I think. It’s permeating every nerve. It raises me up and gives me strength to move mountains.
What the hell! This world is beautiful! I love the Sun! I love these people. I want to jump up and kiss them, them being all weary which they are, to give them a piece of this joy, cool them down with my fan and give up my seat to someone! To break through to the driver and say – step on the gas! Wherever – it does not matter. Why – I don’t know. I know nothing, I simply feel.
The entire thing was many years ago. It was a commute between two stops, yet I had a sense it was an eternity.
The next time it happened to me was while I was changing a fuse… then, while I was cleaning the toilet…
Is it possible for it to become a state of mind?